Living with a mental illness is like living with a secret. It is the weirdest thing; I mean it is not something you openly share and yet if you did so much would make more sense to others and be so much easier to handle. It’s a hard decision at what point you share this in a relationship. Or to anyone? When you’re mentally healthy- usually meaning all meds are working well together and with you and you have a good therapist or are stress free at the time- it feels as though you could talk about your mental illness to anyone and sound very capable and stable. The irony is when you are not doing well is when you usually share this news that you are sick with bi-polar or depression or are very anxious or hyper. It is when you are feeling out of control and/or hopeless that we share and all that does for the most part is make you seem crazy. And ugh the word crazy is such a bad word to the mentally ill. I mean we teach our children to not use certain words (using as an example) like fat, retarded, ghetto, the n-word, and yet as a society we all too easily say the word crazy with little and most of the time not even thinking this is a bad word to the mentally ill. Now of course I do not want to speak for all mentally ill humans, I just know when my fun, passionate, energetic self comes out and someone says, you’re crazy in a playful way, it hurts. Now how would this person know that hurts? I have not told them I am mentally ill. They do not suspect because I am self-aware and put on a great show. Like most people that can live with a mental illness do. I just think of a world where sharing one has a mental illness would be as respected and accepted as saying I am a diabetic and must watch my sugar intake. If only it where that easy… and yet, I am writing because I am hopeful.
Part of why I am doing an everyday me post is because my first 2 were some of my deepest layers. I want to share that I am okay. I struggle daily- geez sometimes hourly- and yet here I am on a Thursday eve writing in my bed. I worked today and it was a long day but a good, productive day. I feel balanced right now. Just to keep it real though last week I was having panic attacks and the week before I was having 2 glasses of wine every night and so freaking ‘in my head’ that I was really holding it together. I am a very strong woman. I know this. It is just for me being strong is getting up and making it through the day portraying I am happy and balanced. And I am happy and balanced most of the time I suppose….
I see my therapist every other week. She specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy among other things. I am also on 6 medications for my mental illnesses. I have been on this same mix with different dosages for over 2 years now. For the first time in my life I had my psychiatrist appointment in February and was told I could come back in 6 months. SIX months! For so long it was 4-6 weeks between appointments and then after a year or so it went to 3 months and maybe back to 4-6 weeks once but this year it was 6 months. Now I have learned a great deal and last time I saw her it was pre-covid. When I saw her in August it was a zoom meeting. So, deciding when to see her next was easy. Covid is still around with no cure for the common folks anytime soon, I had bought my first single family home and would be moving soon which is a huge trigger to my mental illness and I was just left short staffed. Layer that with the holidays coming up and it was an easy decision for both of us to see each other in 3 months. 4-6 weeks was not needed because my meds and therapy are working well. 6 months though is too long in case I need help. I internalize a ton and having medical professionals checking in with me sometimes other things come out that I did not see. 3 months is a great check in for me right now.
I hope you can see how much I have been getting help and how I have accepted it and use it for my benefit. Having bi-polar disorder 2 the waves and hills and mountains are a ton throughout a week. It is hard to determine what is a normal number of waves and what may turn into a hill/mountain. That is why the therapist help me determine if this is just life or if we need to brace for mania and depression. It is fucking exhausting living with a mental illness. It is challenging and not rainbows and unicorns. I am happy right now, I feel good. The truth is though that I have to force myself to think positive and use positive words and pair that with meds and therapy and journaling and talking with one of my support peeps, challenging and exhausting living with a mental illness. The big word though is LIVING. I am living a life that I do feel happy in. So maybe today, this evening, I can say it was rainbows and unicorns and no crazy. Not bad for a 42 year old woman with bi-polar 2, ADHD, PTSD, general and social anxiety, working full time and with PMS this week, not bad feeling good on a Thursday eve.
Layers 