Can there be too many layers?

At some point one has to heal, right? When though? At what point? How many years? I mean I’ve worked and worked and worked on bettering myself and learning how to live with my mental illness. But when does the PTSD, the many, many heartaches, all the mistakes I’ve made, when does all of that get better? Because if it never will then what’s the point of all the other stuff? What am I bettering myself for if I’m never going to be healed enough to be in a relationship? I’m bettering myself for my job. I’m bettering myself for all my friends that have kids and a totally different lifestyle than me. I’m bettering myself so I can connect with my parents more to give back for all the shitty things I’ve done to them and they’ve had to go through because of me. So why? None of that gives me love in an intimate way and cures the loneliness. None of it . It’s like small gratification but my soul needs a man, a partner to be with me daily. I want that relationship with someone and all my past traumas and fears are blocking it all. When will it end? Does it end? How? I’m only half way living and I feel like I’m missing a huge part of life. Today ended really awesome, can you tell?