History repeats itself. That is a true statement. How do we know it is true? Well, look back in history and watch the plagues come and go, watch the wars come and go, watch the protests come and go, watch the fashion trends come and go. Does that statement apply to our everyday life? To our very small worlds that fall into the sea of billions of people. I have been researching my family history from the female side only. I wanted to see how many mother’s mothers I could get to and see what commonalities continued through the generations. I wanted to see where the best and worst parts of me could be found in my history. I mean logic and basic ‘true statements’ would say that I could find some similarities in my history and then look forward and make sure I do not repeat past mistakes. What I have found though is that every woman in my history had to overcome their own challenges in their small circle of their present. Their history was surrounded by the world’s history and each woman had a different world to live with. So then why am I searching so hard for their stories? What does it really matter? How deeply do I want to believe the statement, history repeats itself?
I think if I could have influence on my own future and what I leave behind for others, then maybe it would. Maybe. I do not have children though. Does it really matter? Are children the most important part of the future? They are the ones that take us into their future and eventually become history. So, then what is my history going to benefit me? What will my history be for my present life and for whose future? It can be very lonely for me with the life I chose to have no children. My life can feel very worthless when I look around and see all of my friend’s doing things for their children as the priority of their life. To see my parents and my friend’s parents living for their grandchildren.
These are the ruminating thoughts that can consume my head for hours and days at a time. That thrust me into a hopeless depression. If I had had a child, would I be thinking differently? Would that child have gotten all the best or worst parts of me? What if I gave my child all the mental illnesses that have plagued my life? How could I feel hopeful for the future if I knew the pain my mental illnesses caused me and then I was subjecting that to my child? Even if my child got the best of me, the me who raised that child would have nurtured that child through mental illnesses and a very unstable day to day life.
I chose to live without children, and I do not think it was a selfish decision. I think just the opposite. My core truly believes that it was the best decision for me and the people all around me. Now that I am getting older, I turn 44 this year, I am looking at my life and wondering what in the fuck am I supposed to do? What am I living for? I am not sure why this question fills my head and heart so often. It just does. I mean down to my core it truly bothers me that I do not know what I am here for. Having a child is something that makes life intentional and a clear way to see the past for the present and the future. People will tell me that I need to live my life for me. That I need to find the small joys in my life to feel better and that will help me have that feeling so that I can live for something.
A hopeful sunrise, a beautiful sunset, a snuggle with my dog, a peaceful rainstorm, a calm blizzard, the eye of a hurricane, the first cannonball of summer, the last bite of dessert, a deep conversation with a friend, contemplating life with my dad, a hug from my mom, a hike in nature, an intimate embrace, an uncontrollable laugh, a song that reaches my soul, a color palette that inspires.
All these things have brought me joy and will continue to bring me joy. Why can’t that be enough? What does that joy do for my life? It clearly gives me something to focus on to keep going. But I am going for myself to just die by myself. To die alone and to not have any of my life in the future. The search stops with me. The search for history in the future will stop at me. How do I become part of history that will be meaningful for the future, a future?
Layers 