It is rainy outside. You know what I mean. Where it is on and off annoyingly drizzle rain. There is a promise of the sun to come out midday and then have the perfect afternoon, 67 degrees and sunny. That change in the weather is how my moods change in just one day. My change in motivation. My change in depression. My change in perspective and self-doubt or the extreme, the change where I think I can conquer the world. Now that I am older and wiser and can see my moods like I can see the weather, I wish I had someone that could ride the waves with me. I think if I could openly talk about the change in motivation, perspective, depression, that I would be able to conquer the world. It is the holding it all inside that is where the struggle is. What is wrong with sharing my moods with other people in my life? I will tell you. It is hard to keep up and it is hard to believe that I can go from 0-60 or 60-0 in a day. And yet it happens, daily. This is bi-polar 2. I was diagnosed with BP2 about 5 years ago. I learned that BP1 was more mood swings by the months. Hawaiian type waves. BP2 is more of the quick mood swings like the waves on the southern east coast. From my perspective the BP2 is harder to keep up with. How do you really know which wave you get and are they always waves or is it just the natural eb and flow of the ocean? Therefore, it is so hard for check ins with my doctor. The inevitable question of, how have things been in the last 6 weeks?!!! I mean do you really want to hear how each storm was? Or how each sunny day was? Because let me tell you, I cannot even keep up with what happens and what happens in my head so how in the hell am I supposed to share that? How do you measure this?
Like I said before, I think it would be measured more if I could share more openly. It would help me monitor it more. I know I could write in a journal and that is supposed to help. And it does to a certain extent. The journaling means it is still just in my head and on paper. The verbal action of sharing this out loud seems to help get to an answer or even more, a wise mind answer. So, what is holding me back from this theory? I have a few people I could do this with and try it out. Friends, my mother, my sister, but that is only half of my life. I am at work the other half and truth be told that is where many of the waves take place. To be able to share my moods openly at work may help more than I ever could have thought. Or it could lead to my downfall because do those people even care? Would you?
I think what I am going to do with this piece is ask you to ride my waves for the next few days.
AND SO, IT IS 28 DAYS LATER…
Consistency has never been my strong spot and yet my body and illness pretty much demand it. So, for 28 days I have been depressed and hopeful and maybe borderline manic. I am still not sure if I will ever be able to know when I am manic. It seems my support system can tell what they have said to me, it is hard for them to jump in and help because I am so uber focused on my goals. And yet I need them to be my support system, I need them to. I mean they have no problems being annoying when I am depressed and self-isolating. Not annoying, helpful, and supportive but when I am not doing well it is almost embarrassing when they help me and over invite me to things. I feel like I am a burden and yet if I was consistent with doing things it would not feel like a special invite, it would feel like day-to-day outings.
Anyway, I have had days that I have not left the couch recently and then have an opposite day the next day. Those days start with quiet time and/or coffee and then a workout and then something that I am required to do that morning/day. It is like right now a full day for me requires the next day to do nothing. Surprise, surprise, all, or nothing. UGH. I mean writing it out feels incredibly frustrating and like I am not trying hard enough. Is that the perfectionist in me? I am not sure, but it is something in me. It. Is. Me.
Layers 